Road Rage Recipe

Why?

Why do you drive up an entrance ramp to an interstate highway with a posted speed limit of 70 MPH driving 35 MPH?

Why do you brake and slow to 35 MPH on an interstate highway several hundred yards prior to entering the quarter-mile long exit ramp?

Why do you sit and stare at a traffic signal that has just gone green for 5 seconds or more before going when there is no cross-traffic?

Why if you are texting at a traffic signal that goes green and I have to honk to get you to wake up and move, do you give me the finger?

Why are you freaking texting and driving?

Why, after sitting at a green traffic signal for 5-10 seconds do you floor it and speed to the next signal only to do the same damned thing?

Why do you ride on my bumper for miles and when you finally decide to go around give me the evil eye?

I am the last car in a long line of traffic in the left-hand lane—Why is it you can’t get behind me, but choose instead to come up the right-lane, edge over, and force your way in front of me?

Why do you run down a quarter-mile long line of backed-up traffic in the right-hand and get road rage when I refuse to let you over?

Why do you drive 15 to 20 miles per hour below the speed limit in the left-hand lane, spot a yellow traffic signal and accelerate, running it on red and leaving me sitting at the light?

Why do you drive along 5-10 MPH below the speed limit, but when I try to pass, you accelerate until we are both going sixty-five in a forty-five?

Why when I make my left-hand turn and proceed and you have a yield sign do you slam on your brakes and go road rage?

Why do you drive through grocery store/shopping center parking lots at 30 MPH and honk your horn in rage when some hapless sap is trying to back out of a parking spot?

Why, dumb-ass white boy, do you think I want to hear your stupid glass-pack mega-phone tailpipes sputtering down the road?

Why, dumb-ass hood-rat, do you think I want to hear your filthy bass rap lyrics booming everywhere you go?

Okay. I know how most of you are feeling right now. Chill. IT AIN’T WORTH IT! YCFS: You Can’t Fix Stupid. Most of these idiots would fail a sobriety test stone sober. They don’t get it. Grit your teeth. Drink a glass of your favorite beverage when you get home i.e. beer, wine, bourbon….and pray they don’t ever legalize the mounting of .30 cals or rocket launchers on our front fenders. We’ll all have adjoining cells at the funny farm and these idiots will still meekly inherit the earth.

“I don’t care what you say. That there’s funny.”  –Larry the Cable Guy

FYI: The next novel: Rawlins, has been pushed back to late summer or fall. Sweet Thang decided we had to remodel, the garden needed weeding, the car died and had to be replaced, the kids came into town with the new baby…..I could go on. My last best Beta-Reader is looking at it now, then it’s off to the editors.

You may also enjoy: Bear Sighting: Desoto County and Part Two: Wyoming and Montana Road Trip

Sex, Politics and The Emmys…

Someone said the Emmy Award show the other night turned into a political-left mudslinging contest that even featured a cameo by that recurring bad dream Hillary Clinton. I actually expected as much and planned on ignoring it. It’s like going to the zoo, where you expect to smell the animal poop. And I must admit I missed Hillary because I had turned off the TV and gone to bed.

So, what was it that sent me to bed so early? It was something that leads me to believe we have entered the new and surreal world of an alternative reality. It was something much worse than the political prostitution by the artists, and it was on national television for our children and grandchildren to see. What is this “it” to which I refer?

Well, don’t get me wrong. I’m from the sixties generation. Remember? We were the ones who removed many of the taboos associated with sexual expression. But my lord! I believe we opened Pandora’s box instead. There were people right there on stage dry-humping one another as if it were acceptable civilized behavior. And there were also men and women alike pawing at their own genitals while singing songs with lyrics I wouldn’t want my wife or daughter to hear. What the mortal hell have we become as a people?

I am all for freedom of expression, but this crap is beyond the pale. I listen now with disgust to all this drivel about respecting women, and it must be drivel because it’s the same people promoting black dresses and white roses who are fawning over these so-called “artists” doing things on national television that gets kids arrested while on spring break. We teach generations to dance like mating animals and we then demand they respect one another’s gender. No wonder our children look at adults nowadays as if we’re three-eyed space aliens. They see the paradoxes and the double-standards, and they’re confused.

And that’s all I have to say about that. Thank you for enduring my rant. I think I’ll go now, and take my friend Evan Williams to my safe-place and read a good book.

You may also enjoy: The Nature of Things in Mississippi and Glenn Hates Books by Glenn Conly

My Grandchildren Face A World Even Worse Than the One I experienced in the ’60’s!!

Because several of you said you missed it, this is a repeat of my recent Facebook post.

A message for my grandchildren:

Before long you will become a teenager. It will seem at times that your mother and father are the dumbest people on earth. You will grow frustrated with them and their decisions affecting you. Please, believe your granddad when I tell you they are not dumb. They are trying to make the best decisions they can for you. You may not understand or agree, but they DO have your best well-being in their hearts.

No, they are not perfect. They are only human. They are parents desperately wanting you to grow into adulthood without dying in an automobile accident or becoming an immoral sociopath. They do not want you to be greedy, self-centered or any of those things to which the human condition often succumbs. And the funny thing is that in a few years you will look back and think, “They weren’t so stupid after all.”

Please let me share with you the truths my two-thirds of a century-plus years have given me. First and foremost: give your heart to a higher being, take time to meditate and pray. Study the history of mankind. Actually, I am jumping ahead. Hopefully, you will—you must—do these two things during your teenage years. Right now, I want you to pick your friends very carefully. Misguided friends and peer pressure have led many a young soul down the path of damnation. When someone belittles you for not participating in his or her—you fill in the blank—theft, lie, gossip, use of drugs, bullying the little guy, whatever—belittle that person in turn for being weak and self-centered. YOU be the leader.

I may not be here on earth with you during these years, but I will be watching after you. Always conduct yourself both privately and publicly with this in mind. And keep these additional things in mind:

Being RIGHT doesn’t necessarily matter in all circumstances. This means that even when you know you are right, there are times when silence is the better option.

Listen twice as much as you talk. You will learn nothing if you are not a good listener. And really do listen to the other person. Ask questions. Try to understand alternative viewpoints.

Always look outward, not inward. When you are self-centered, your life is important only to you, but when it is about others your life becomes important to many.

Strive to do your best, not to be perfect.

Cultivate good manners and social graces. Cretins are a dime a dozen.

Don’t argue or make excuses. Excuses are the feather beds of failure.

Be genuinely humble. No one likes an over-blown ego.

Be organized and on-time.

Be kind to ALL people—even those who do not deserve it.

You cannot fix everything and everyone. Do what you can then move on.

Your word and your integrity are everything. Live by this.

Always remember that life is not fair. Even when you do everything right, you will experience undeserved behavior from those around you. Just keep in mind the sign my old pediatrician, Doctor Clifton Woolley, had on his office wall: ILLEGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM “operor retineo non forensic liberi attero vos.” Your great-grandmother said it meant, “Don’t let the bastards get you down.” There was also a photo of him fresh out of medical school standing beside a C-47 aircraft with full combat medical gear and wearing a parachute. He was a highly decorated paratrooper during World War II and the reason I too volunteered for the airborne and became a paratrooper. This is to say, “Choose your role models wisely and they will take you to new heights (pun intended).”

Lastly, stop and look around each and every day. Live in the moment. Live life, love people, and remember that love is not what you say but what you DO.

I say these things with the knowledge that every window in my glass house was broken years ago. My hope for you is that these words will help you avoid the mistakes I have made.

Your Loving Grandfather,

Rick DeStefanis

You may also enjoy: Political Correctness and Manners and Memories for Those Who Gave it All